Today's blog is about transparency for me. I recently had an experience after which God showed me how He carried me through it; how He protected me in it; and how much He loves me and that He kept me. When I awoke to this revelation, I immediately worshiped Him and blessed His name. However, I did begin to wonder why I was longing for a counterfeit.
In the present case, I had been harboring a deep hurt in a very dark place. That hurt had trapped me into a place where I had refused to declare the Word of healing. It is no secret, as I have previously shared in this blog that I was abused by my father for 15 years of my childhood. I had locked that pain in a dark and desolate place in my mind. I had gone to therapy, I had spoken with counselors and with my pastors, I felt that I had dealt with the hurt. But in fact that dark place needed to be eradicated and I had only put a very ineffective lock on a very rickety door. The hurt and pain were still there. The need to fully forgive was still hanging. And frankly from time to time I would visit that dark place to remind me of what was missing in my life.
What I didn't understand was that you cannot simply allow hurt space to live in your mind. The hurt creates a void and that void begins to suck. That sucking then brings people into your life who have no way of filling the void, but who know how to manipulate you because they recognize that this void is your weak place. There is only one who can fill such a void because it takes a being who has the ability to step in and out of time, who can go into your past, completely heal your hurt and make you whole. So in my case, I felt that I needed love; that no one in my life had provided me a foundation of love and support and a basis for trust. I felt that I needed to be loved properly and that such love had in fact eluded me my whole life. That's where the vortex and the black hole began and it was sucking every thing and everyone around me in, or trying too. I kept thinking I wasn't enough, but it was because that dark void was sucking in my confidence and my knowing that God was the author and finisher of my life and my faith. There are people who see that sucking and recognize that there is a desperation to hang on to something. So they interject themselves into your life to try to steal your anointing while you are distracted by your hurt. And because you are so distracted by your hurt you never even notice that a counterfeit has entered in. In fact because of our desperation, we become satisfied with the counterfeit. We accept it as the truth. There may be a nagging voice telling us the whole time that what we have isn't real and isn't of God. There will be a voice telling us that what we have isn't going to help us, move us forward or support us, but that sucking desperation has a hold of us and we accept the counterfeit.
Today I was reading the book of Isaiah chapter 58. This scripture discusses how we can be repairers of the breach. The scripture text talks about how we can use what God has given us to help others and to repair the breach and in helping others we are also receiving help. How does this relate to longing for counterfeit? Well Isaiah 59 really helps to answer this. Many times we cannot experience freedom in God and being restored, healed and made whole because we are pretending to seek light, when in fact we have become satisfied with darkness. I had become satisfied with my hurt. But there is no productivity in harboring hurt. Therefore, I was never giving myself an opportunity to be successful. I couldn't speak the word of healing over my life. I couldn't admit that God is my all and all because I wanted to hang on to hurt and that hurt gave me the excuse to distrust God.
But today I declare that God has taken away that hurt and that pain and I can proclaim healing and wholeness in the name of Jesus. I am whole and if God never does another thing for me I am whole and well and He is my savior. I am a breach repairer. God has given my gifts and talents with which to minister healing and deliverance. I refuse to accept the counterfeit any longer. God is the genuine article and He is mine and I am His. I refuse to allow one more person to try to act like they have the potential to fill a void in my life. Why? Because the void no longer exists. Christ has forgiven me of my sin, healed my hurt and made me whole; therefore, there is no more sucking and bringing the wrong person to me trying to hustle my anointing and make my ministry of none effect.
Today can you declare that you are done with the counterfeit? Can you declare that you are actually trying the spirits by the Spirit? Can you declare that its for God you live and for God that you'll die? Can you say that you genuinely and wholeheartedly rely on God? I can. Thank you Jesus. I finally can.
